Keep off the grass…

I had to write the council on the one……..

Hi,

I’m a grass lover as much as the next guy, in fact I believe MORE than the next guy.

This spring, faced with a lawn destroyed by winter, I went and spent a whole 15 notes on Tescos lawn repairer to sort mine out. I’m gutted a hot spring made my mission to fix my lawn a futile endeavour, but I tried, and I appreciate people’s plight, to keep our grassy goodness in place.

I’ve had many a great time on grass, rolling around, generally, frolicking, admiring, and all together enjoying it’s lush texture and greenness, I bloody love the stuff.

BUT I would strongly debate why Merton Council felt the attached sign (attached!) in Raynes Park was an appropriate use of resources:

· There is naff all grass in this specific location, approximately 2-3 foot square, surely a ” Keep Off The Grass” would be better allocated to a more grassious patch of grass on the same road as others have been. It may be an oasis of greenery amongst a concrete drive hell hole, but let it go, this grass was never meant to be!

· 25 metres round the corner is a COMMON. There is a much grass here to fill even the biggest grass fans needs (of which I am one, see my opening paragraphs). People can merrily admire as much grass they want in this haven of greenery, specifically designed to keep us Londoners with the vague illusion we’re still close to nature. Maybe a sign pointing people to this lovely example of a common would have been more appropriate?

· I debate the messaging, with the sign in place standing on the grass is effort enough, to stand on it and then read the sign would involve an act of physical dare doing doing I’m incapable of. Maybe “please admire the little remaining grass, that what’s left and not replaced by this big lump of steel”, would be most appropriate?

· Maybe my view is blinkered, maybe you are attempting to refer to all grass in general area? I appreciate the sentiment but I would debate the purpose, think of all the great times people have had on grass? You should consider this in the context of the Wimbledon Lawn Tennis Championship, a major revenue boost for the local community. What would a lawn be without grass, mud I venture, would this add to the game of tennis? Admittedly I’d love to see Sharapova covered in mud, but I don’t think the debentures would approve of this? Is Merton Council suggesting a blanket ban on standing on grass, has the Lawn Tennis Association been may aware they may need to rebrand soon?

· Could this site in fact be one of special historical interest, may be consider putting up one of those lovely blue plaques here instead? As Raynes Park is only famous for Alan Carr’s Stop Smoking centre, I’d assume this is the spot where Carr had his last fag? Maybe an ash tray would be more appropriate?

· Could this be a response to a plea by an irate local resident of the destruction of their 2 foot square haven of greenery from poor quality parking. May I suggest they invite these drivers to park on their piss poor quality drives instead, rather than waste a few hundred quids worth on pointless madness. Or get a life?

Excuse my sarcasm, maybe it is an attempt to protect all grass verges on this lovely road? I would then debate your sign placement. Anyone mad enough to park here across two people’s drives would realise it was a crap idea as they hit the big steel post, maybe the wording is not required? Or maybe you hope to catch the attention of passing motorists, just before they hit the child playing in the street as they wonder “why the hell have they put that sign there face inwards towards the road”?

I would work on the assumption that this was an epically great piece of comedy by a local council worker, but as a council worker yourself, I’m sure you well aware that the majority of council workers have little or no sense of humour. I felt a small degree of sympathy when you had your full salary petition nicked by the Tories, BUT NOT NOW.

I will continue to admire this haven of small greenery on a back street of Raynes Park. I may point the local Big Issue sales people to admire it while they scrap together a few quid to find a bed for the night wondering why they can’t get a council house, or maybe when you are made redundant you can admire it on your walk to Wetherspoons?

All the best,

Tom

UPDATE: After a wave of national media attention, the sign has been removed. After costing £237 to put apparently they have now paid to get it removed *gives up*